Soylent Green is…Tofu?
April 11th, 2006 by Scott
Although it’s super fun to joke about with friends (not to mention that it provides leagues of witty copy), there are a variety of reasons that I do not actually eat the meat from my fellow human beings. A brief list:
- First, I’m The Shameless Carnivore, not The Shameless Cannibal. Very different concept, very different marketing scheme.
- Second, It’s illegal here in the States and almost everywhere else in the world, and I’m way too soft for prison. You saw Oz…you know what I’m talking about.
- I’ve never been on a Uruguayan rugby team stranded in the Andes and forced to eat my fellow athletes (I bet the beefy defensemen went first – better meat on the haunches), was happily unborn during the Seige of Leningrad, and wasn’t a member of the Donner Party. I’ve always felt “Party” was a cruel way to describe that little episode, by the way. Makes me think of poor, emaciated people in party hats, shivering in the snow, playing a seriuosly desperate game of “pin the tail on the donkey.”
- Fourthly, Eeewwwwww
- To put it mildly, doing so places one in less than savory company.
- Finally, and for the last time: You can have your neighbor for brunch, but you absolutely cannot have your neighbor for brunch.
On the other hand, haven’t we all kind of wondered what people taste like? Chicken? Monkey? Gila Monster? Who knows? Luckily, a friend of mine steered me to a website dedicated to marketing a particularly innovative, if bizarre product: Hufu — The Healthy Human Flesh Alternative.
No, I am not shitting you. See here:
Apparently, Hufu was created by a Dartmouth graduate student looking for an ethical way for anthropology students to indulge in that one-of-a-kind cannibal experience. Makes sense, right? Only, how are they supposed to know what human flesh tastes like in the first place? How do they ensure the verisimilitude of their product? I mean, do they have actual cannibals in the laboratory tasting the stuff and offering their opinions? (Sample entry: “Tastes kind of like Bob, but a little on the chewy side. Plus, it’s a bit well done for my taste — I like my Bob more medium rare.”)
Another interesting fact is that Hufu is derived from tofu, making it both healthy and safe for the green set. Of course, this begs the question: if you’re going to make a human flesh alternative, why on earth would you make it vegan friendly? I can’t imagine that there are any vegans out there saying things like, “You know, Tofu is okay and all…I just really wish it tasted more like people.” Weird. I’ve actually contacted the man behind this mad scheme, and will get back to you all after he’s answered some of these pertinent queries, and perhaps sent me a sampling of Hufu. Because you know I have to try it — how could I not?
In the meantime, stay tuned, carnivores…
PS: All cannibal jokes are now fair game. Hit me with your best shot.
Erin wrote on 04/11/06 at 8:15 pm :
You know about the Alferd Packer Day meat-eating contests they used to have in Boulder, right?
http://www.realty-info.com/customs.html
I used to have an Alferd Packer Day tee-shirt. I should see what happened to it …
Scott wrote on 04/12/06 at 10:18 am :
Wow, didn’t know about poor Al Packer – thanks for bringing his legacy to our attention, Erin!
So it says that he killed and ate five of his companions to survive the blizzard, right? Okay, you can’t possibly blame the first one for not seeing that coming, but did it just never occur to the other folks (especially companions # 4 or 5) that something funky was going on with their buddy Al? That, for instance, his behavior was getting a little too uncomfortably similar to the witch from Hansel & Gretel? If they didn’t get suspicious enough to defend themselves, then I’m sorry – I think it’s their own fault that they were devoured by a deranged cannabalistic gold miner.
Moral of the story: if you’re stuck in a blizzard and your friends start mysteriously disappearing while, at the same time, one of your travelling mates is strangely packing on pounds (and possibly suggesting that you keep your skin from drying out by slathering it in barbeque sauce), be afraid. Be very afraid.
Dan wrote on 04/18/06 at 12:13 pm :
Does it seem weird that “Donner” is so close to sounding like “Dahmer”?
seriuosly, man. seriuosly.
Mike wrote on 04/21/06 at 5:22 am :
I can’t believe that no one has mentioned “Cannibal: The Musical”, the Trey Parker and Matt Stone romp about poor Alferd Packer and his doomed expedition. There’s an entire setup where one of the characters has brought along a large quantity of fudge, just so he can ask if anyone wants any. “Fudge, Packer?” he quips, at one point in the film.